Fixing a Messed-Up Relationship

It can happen for many reasons. There comes a time that lots of people have to admit that their relationship is a disaster. We are not talking about those little bumps in the road everyone experiences. Those can be addressed with a bit of kindness, communication, and making small changes. 

Here we are looking at those devastated relationships that need to be rebuilt. After years of addiction, it is almost a given that you will have torched many of your relationships. Sometimes it is from years of neglect. It can be caused by outside stressors such as job loss, financial issues, or extended family dysfunction. Regardless of the cause, if you are facing the fact that a meaningful relationship in your life is messed up, there are some important things to know. 

Give up the fairy tales. 

Think about the movies where the girl sees the boy across the room. After all the hardship and pain, she realizes at that moment that she truly loves him. As he looks at her, his expression shows his deep love and his sorrow for all that has gone wrong. She gives him the same indication. She runs to him as he rushes closer. They fall into a passionate kiss, and all the pain and heartache melt away. 

That's a great movie, isn't it? That is precisely what it is, a movie. It's fiction. It doesn't work that way in reality. You may indeed have a beautiful moment of reconciliation, but you need more. Even if you begin the journey with a beautiful reconciliation, be ready for long-term work. 

It will be hard, so accept that fact from the beginning. 

Relationships are complex and require work even in the best of circumstances. Fixing a relationship that has fallen on hard times will be a difficult task. That is not meant as discouragement. It is intended as preparation. 

If you are starting a long, difficult journey, you prepare differently than if you are walking down the street. The way you pack, the clothing you choose, and the shoes you wear are all different. It is the same for fixing relationships. If you believe this will be a quick fix, you will be ill-prepared for the work ahead. 

Mindset is important. Accept from the beginning that this will be a lot of work. There is no need to be surprised when the task is a struggle. Knowing this gives you the stamina to persevere. 

It will take time. 

There are two ways this can be interpreted. One, fixing the relationship will take a period of time. It may take weeks, months, or even years, depending on what has happened in the relationship. Second, you must work on the relationship often, even daily. You can't just wait out the weeks or months, thinking time alone will heal the wounds. It will not. You have to commit time and effort on a daily basis. Then over time, things can be better. 

Get help. 

I've already mentioned that it will take work. You may wonder about the specifics. It's a good question. There is no standard answer to that question that fits every situation. That is why it is critical to get help. Find a professional therapist, life coach, social worker, or counselor. They can help you develop strategies for your specific issues. They can help you talk through those painful conversations and navigate the road back to a healthy relationship.

Decide if it is worth it. 

There is no requirement to continue. You are not trapped. It is a valid choice to end the relationship. Decide if this is really what you want; if it is, don't quit. Do the work and stick with it for the long haul. There is a significant difference between working hard for what you want and going through the motions out of a false sense of obligation. If you aren't willing to bring the relationship back from the brink, don't fake it. Don't lie, and don't pretend. If you aren't going to put in the work, then end it with dignity and as much kindness as possible. If you truly want the relationship restored, then decide to put in the effort, get help, and work your way back. 

Remember to have fun. 

There will be a long list of necessary skills to develop to fix a messed up relationship. Communication, forgiveness and the willingness to make amends are just a few. Your counselor can help with all these. One skill that is often overlooked, and needs to be addressed along the way is the skill of having fun. Laughter is good medicine. Fun is a bonding activity. It won't fix everything, and there is still the need to do the hard work, but keep fun on the agenda. Learn to laugh together. Enjoy each other's company. Ease the stress and make it a priority. Fun can be that special ingredient that makes a huge difference. 

The road back is not easy, but it is achievable. Relationships are fixable if that is what you choose. Get the help you need, put in the work, devote the time, and learn to have fun again. With these things, there can be a new road ahead.