There are Twists and Turns on the Road of Grief

Grief is our comeback story in the journey of love. Moving through grief is healing, but there can be some unexpected twists and turns. You can’t count on grief following a script, and the cliches don’t help. Sometimes we must put aside our assumptions and preconceived notions to deal with odd realities. Here are some of those strange twists and turns and how to deal with them. 

Time does not heal all wounds. 

Time is part of the equation leading to healing, but time alone will not improve things. The grief process is the way to recovery. Grief is the processing of emotion and coming to a place where life can be good again. It takes crying, talking, and finding a new way of life. Life will never be the same after a significant loss, but life can be good again. 

Bad relationships bring grief too. 

Some think there will not be a grief process if the relationship with a family member is strained. Good relationships are assumed to bring great pain when a loved one dies. It is also believed that bad relationships bring very little. Many are surprised to find out this is not the case. It is true that if someone you are close to dies and you have a wonderful relationship, it will hurt. Yet there is a comfort as well. There is gratitude for the time spent together. There is an appreciation for all the great memories. Make no mistake, there is a painful grief process, but it is interspersed with happy memories and gratitude. When someone dies, and the relationship is dysfunctional, the grief is one of regret. There is no more time to fix the relationship. It is one of sadness that the relationship could not have been different. It is a grief that marks not only the person’s passing but also grieving the loss of what we wish the relationship could have been. This may sound strange, but remember that grieving for those that mistreated us is common and normal. 

The worst part comes later. 

When someone dies, two things happen. One, we tend to go numb. We don’t feel a lot at first. Psychologists call this denial, but that’s not a great term. Some people get confused by this, thinking they know full well what happened, so there is no denial. The term actually refers to an emotional denial. Our emotions haven’t processed things yet. Emotions like to handle things a little at a time, so at first, everything goes numb. Two, life gets hectic. There are funeral arrangements to make, estates to care for, and conversations to have with relatives. 

Furthermore, you may not have seen these relatives since the last family funeral. Sometimes there are legal matters to address. In some cases, there are floods of friends, community members, and church folks offering condolences and bringing food. It’s way too much activity to process what has happened. A few days or a few weeks later, it all slows down. Family and friends return home. Church folks quit bringing food. You’re expected to return to your everyday life, and the numbness wears off. This is when it is going to hurt. Be prepared and have someone to talk to when that happens. 

People may say dumb things. 

We may think our friends and family will be helpful and supportive in a time of loss. Often this is true, but sometimes it is not. There are those moments when well-meaning friends and family can say some mind-boggling things. For example, a friend might say, “you’ll find someone else,” as you go through a divorce. A family member may say, “you can try again,” after a miscarriage. These statements may be factually accurate but also hurtful. It dismisses the pain of this particular loss. Even if these predictions are correct, they will not erase the scars of this loss which only grief can heal. 

Grief is hard physical work. 

Grief is not just emotional and mental. It is physically exhausting. One often overlooked aspect is the need to care for your body during grief. The basics, such as sleep, water, healthy food, and moderate exercise, are crucial to working through grief. See your doctor. Take care of yourself. Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Stay as healthy as possible for the emotional journey you will experience. 

Prescribed medicine is a good thing. 

Sometimes if someone needs to begin taking medication, they see it as a failure. It’s as if they are not handling the situation well. Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, trauma can cause chemical reactions in the brain. These chemical changes cannot be fixed with willpower or tenacity. There are good medications that can be taken to help. Talk to your doctor and be honest. It is not a weakness. It is a physical reaction to trauma that needs to be addressed. 

You won’t get over it, and that is a good thing.

If you love someone, do you want to get over them? Of course not. That emotional scar demonstrates how important they were and are in your life. I always say that some things that happen in life leave a hole in your heart, but you can live a really good life with a hole in your heart. The goal is not to get over a person who has died but to carry their love and memory with you while you learn to live a good life again. 

Grief will bring twists and turns and unexpected feelings, but there is good news. Grief is a healer. It is not comfortable, but it works. Take your time. Grieve. Get help. Know that healing is where the path is leading. You may live with that hole in your heart, but you can live a really good life with a hole in your heart.