Common Apprehensions to Counseling and How to Fix Them

For years I have advocated that everyone needs to be in counseling. Just like a doctor, dentist, and mechanic, having a counselor or consultant is a necessity of modern life. As you might expect, I’ve received some push back on this. People have often objected with a variety of reasons why they don’t think counseling is for them. Here are a few of the apprehensions I have heard over the years and my way of addressing each one. If you are leery of counseling, therapy, or life coaching, hear me out.

Apprehension number 1: Talking about it isn't going to change anything.

To that, let me say, don't knock it till you've tried it. Saying things aloud to another human being has a powerful effect because, in reality, we are talking about it. We are talking about it repeatedly, perhaps constantly, in our minds. It continually spins in our minds, particularly at night. This constant conversation we have with ourselves is not only common and persistent but tends to be negative. 

When bad times come, there is a tendency to think it is permanent. Interestingly, when good times come, we believe they are temporary. When great things come along, many of us tend to wonder when the other shoe will drop. You can't stay on the mountain top. Don't get cocky. It can't last. However, when bad times come along, there is a tendency to think this is it. We will never be happy again. 

Another example is when mistakes are made. Imagine doing something stupid. For most of us, it's not hard. How do we speak to ourselves? It's like the interior dialogue goes something like, "I'm so dumb. What is wrong with me? I can't believe I did that. I am such an idiot." However, when we do something right, it is less common to spend the day saying, "Wow, I am awesome. I'm so smart. It is amazing how good I am. I am a superstar."

We all do things right occasionally, and we all make mistakes now and then. Yet, the mental conversations are very different. This has an impact on us. What we say to ourselves matters. During the worst of times, the mental conversation tends to become more frequent, more intense, and more negative. 

Counseling is an opportunity to interrupt the rude things we are saying to ourselves. Saying something out loud in a place where it is safe can have a dramatic impact. Things sound different when we try to explain them to another person. In addition, a skilled counselor knows how to explore these thoughts and look for healthier alternatives. It is incredible how just presenting an alternative view can change things. 

A woman once came to me for counseling riddled with guilt. Her husband had passed away many years prior. With each passing year, she had grown more sorrowful about her decision regarding his funeral. He had left instructions that he wished to be cremated. However, his wife felt that burning his body was gruesome and couldn't tolerate the idea. When it came time to make the arrangements, she couldn't do it. She instructed the funeral home to embalm his body and had him buried in the traditional manner. 

Over the years, she had said terrible things to herself. She felt that she was a bad wife for not following his wishes. She thought she had not honored him as he deserved at his funeral service. She thought of how disappointed he would be if he knew she had buried him. She told herself that she was selfish. Logically, she knew there was nothing wrong with cremation and that she should have been strong enough to face her emotions and do what he wanted. This made her feel weak. She even questioned whether she loved him enough. She thought that if she loved him as much as she should, that love would have been powerful enough to overcome any emotional resistance to cremation. She could have followed his instructions. Worst of all, there was no taking it back. There could be no apologies. There was no way to make amends. It wasn't like other disagreements in their marriage that could be worked out with an apology and kiss. This was permanent. This final act would last forever. 

After she spent a fair amount of time describing her guilt and shame, I said, "But isn't it possible that funerals are for the living, not the dead."

It is amazing what that one statement did for her demeanor. I could almost see the weight lift off her shoulders. "I've never thought about it like that. That makes me feel so much better." 

Of course, one statement doesn't fix everything, but it was enough to break her thinking pattern. It introduced the idea that maybe it was OK to think about herself at the funeral because it was supposed to be her time of support. We discussed that following a loved one's wishes is indeed a way to honor them, but ultimately, funerals are a way of supporting the bereaved. It is a time for friends and the community to come together and support people in their time of loss. It is a time when people of faith reflect on their belief and hope in life after this world. The purpose of the funeral is to begin the healing process, not add to the trauma of the widow. If the idea of cremation is not something she could tolerate and burial was better for her grief process, that's OK. 

This discussion interrupted years of hurtful conversations in her mind and presented an alternative view. So did talking about it change anything? Well, it didn't change the facts of the matter. She had still buried him rather than cremating him. But in actuality, it changed everything. It altered the conversation she was having with herself and lifted a load of guilt she had carried for years. 

This is just one of the countless examples I could give. Another story is from someone I know. I was not the therapist this time. This person simply told me the story. She had the dreadful experience of having her husband leave her for another woman. He had been having an affair for some time and finally left to be with her. The wife went to counseling and began to talk about how insecure she felt. She wondered, "What's wrong with me? Am I not attractive?"

This woman is actually beautiful, but her self-talk ran away with her. She felt defeated and ugly. When she described her feelings to her counselor, the therapist responded, "Let's think about other women who have been cheated on by their partners: Shania Twain, Elizabeth Hurley, and Hallie Berry, to name a few. This idea changed the thought process. These are some of the most attractive women in the world. If being attractive was the only criteria for preventing affairs, surely these women would be immune. There were other issues that needed to be discussed. Still, it quickly got her out of the faulty thinking that her level of attractiveness was the issue.

Talking about it does change things because it affects the self-talk already happening. It presents the opportunity for alternative thoughts. It affects faulty thinking, which most of us have without even knowing it. Remember, much of our thinking was trained by our families, which we have already established may leave something to be desired. The way we think affects our world and talking through things affects that thinking. 

Apprehension number 2: I don't need any psychological mumbo jumbo.

Some people seem to think that counselors will play mind tricks to push them into a weird altered state somehow. I supposed there have been enough "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" type books and movies that people have gotten strange ideas of what therapy is. Maybe there are images of hypnosis that makes people cluck like a chicken when they hear a car horn. Perhaps there is an idea that a manipulative therapist will convince someone that they have suppressed memories just to get more sessions. 

Honestly, I don't know what is meant by the term psychological mumbo jumbo. It may be a slang term used as an excuse not to get help, but my best guess is that people have a stereotype of Freudian psychology. There is an image of laying on a couch talking about your mother and everything you say is interpreted sexually. In reality, this stereotype only encompasses part of the understanding of Freudian treatments. More importantly, remember that Sigmund Freud practiced psychology around 1900. Do we judge surgeons based on the practices of 1900? Is dentistry practiced the same way as it was over a century ago? Do farmers use the same methods? I could go on. No profession is the same as it was in 1900. Freud was the first to lay many of the foundations of modern psychology, but the practices, understandings, and science of psychology are vastly different today. 

There may be another reason for this response toward psychology. Counselors are not there to be your buddy. Sometimes they have to say things that are not fun to hear. If you genuinely feel your counselor is an idiot or manipulative or unprofessional, then, by all means, go to a different counselor. However, when they challenge your thoughts, statements, or actions, it doesn't mean they are stupid. Sometimes confrontation is necessary. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything a counselor says, but it may be required to at least think through some unpleasant ideas. It's very common, for example, for people to come into marriage counseling with the intention of getting the counselor on their side and having them tell their spouse how it is all their fault. This type of spouse tends to become very angry when asked to explore how they may contribute to the problem. This is a popular time to drop the mumbo-jumbo line. 

Another example, I know a lady whose idea of family was that I'm the mom so I'm in charge. Even when her children were adults, married, and raising children of their own, she still ruled with an iron hand. Marrying into the family also meant submitting to her authority. As the relationships deteriorated her oldest child insisted that they go to counseling. The mother reluctantly agreed. Within a couple of sessions, the counselor began asking this mom why she felt the need to control her children and what it would be like to let them make their own decisions as adults. She immediately dropped out of counseling, saying that person didn't know anything about our family. She is just second-guessing and criticizing. 

Counseling is not always comfortable. In fact, it is rarely comfortable at first, but surgery or dental work, or going to the gym are not particularly comfortable. It is healthy, however. The discomfort need not cause a dismissing of the help the profession can provide. 

Apprehension number 3: I already have friends and family to talk to when I have a problem. 

First, great! That is wonderful. It is a fantastic scenario if you have friends and family you trust and can talk to during difficulty. Keep it up. Having a support group of trusted people around us is extremely helpful. However, this does not eliminate the need for counseling. 

If friends or family are your go-to amateur therapist, there are a few things to remember. Many people say things and truly mean well when doing so, but they are not helpful. For example, a well-meaning friend may tell someone going through a divorce not to worry because they will find someone even better to date and marry. Is this an accurate statement? It could be. Would this make things better? In the long run, yes, it could. A person happily married to a second spouse may come to look at their divorce as the best thing that ever happened to them. Is this, then, a helpful statement to make? Absolutely not.

This statement completely dismisses the reality of grief that comes with divorce. Even if a person is thrilled to get rid of a horrible spouse, the dream they once had is still lost. There is the loss of good times, and there are always at least some good times. The loss of hope they once had to overcome the struggles. Making such a statement isn't intended to be cruel. Still, it shows a lack of understanding about a person's grief. 

A statement like this is unusually made with the intention of helping. Yet, in reality, the statement is often made to relieve the stress of the one making the statement. It's tough to see a person we care about hurting. We often feel a strong urge to fix it. Making it better as soon as possible seems like the best thing, but it is motivated by a personal and self-centered focus. We don't want to see a friend hurt, so we want to make them stop hurting. Friends and family will often say whatever they think will lead to the quickest resolution of the pain. 

A counselor has no such motivation. Grief is a healing process. Yes, it is painful, but healing is necessary, as we have discussed. A counselor is not motivated by a personal need to relieve the pain but by a professional need to help the person in their healing process. Ultimately, if the person is going to marry again, they will need to learn to love again. They will need to work through the anger and depression of their shattered dreams. They would need to explore their own mistakes in the failed relationships even if they were not the primary problem. They will need to come to grips with the loss, so they don't project the actions of the former spouse onto every other dating partner. This is the counseling process. 

Have you ever heard a friend or family member say, "Oh, don't cry?" Again this is motivated by the fact that it is painful to see someone we care about crying. We want it to stop so we don't hurt. It is, again, about the comfort level of the friend or family member. 

You'll never hear a counselor say don't cry. Crying can be a cleansing action. We were born with that ability for a reason. Before we were old enough to express our pain, fear, or discomfort, we could cry. Sometimes the pain, fear, and despair are beyond words, even as adults, and crying is still an option. A counselor certainly needs to be caring and sympathetic but does not feel the need to rob a person of this expression for their own comfort. 

Apprehension number 4: I can't afford to go to a counselor. 

This is certainly a valid concern because counseling is not cheap in most cases. However, there are ways to address the issue. First, many insurance companies have coverage for a least a few sessions. As I mentioned previously, for many people, it is not necessary to be in weekly counseling forever. A few sessions covered by insurance could be enough. Secondly, some workplaces have a counselor on staff. Don't be afraid to take advantage of that benefit. Also, many counselors will work on a sliding scale, so you pay based on income. Call around and ask who might be willing to work with you on payments. There might even be free counseling available through some ministry or charity groups. These services are usually not widely publicized so it takes a little effort to find them. Make the effort to see what is available in your community. Finally, make it a priority. I know many people cannot come up with the money no matter how hard they try, but then again, some can.

Be honest with yourself. Are you a person that can come up with the money if you made it a priority? Mental and emotional health is worth giving up a few optional expenses. In many cases, it may truly be out of reach, but if you can come up with the money, even if it takes effort and sacrifice, then do so. Remember, some counseling is better than none. Save up and go once a month, once every six months, or once a year. Something is better than nothing. 

Apprehension number 5: I think prayer is a better option.

Do both. Counseling is not anti-faith. For a person of faith, prayer is a healing agent and a source of strength. Counseling is also a healing agent and a source of strength. There is no need to choose between the two. 

Again, counseling sometimes has that Freudian reputation. Sigmund Freud famously referred to religion as the "opium of the people." However, just because Freud wasn't a Christian does not mean all psychology is heathen. Counselors are not there to talk you into or out of a life of faith. If you have a faith tradition that is important to you and spiritual practices that inspire you, keep them. Just add counseling as well. 

Also, let me return to the point I've made many times and compare this to physical health. People of faith go to medical doctors. Can faith and prayer affect our physical health? Absolutely. Medical doctors would never tell you not to pray about your medical condition regardless of their own personal beliefs. By all means, pray and ask people to pray for you, but also see your doctor. Only the most extreme and ignorant faith traditions refuse medical treatment based on their religion. Why should mental and emotional health be any different?

Apprehension number 6: My parents and grandparents never had counseling, and they made it just fine.

To this, I ask, did they? If we look at the family dynamics of the past, there were some terribly toxic and even abusive patterns. The rigid family and societal rules of the 1950s led to an upheaval in the 1960s. The treatment of women and minority groups lead to a societal revolution that we are still working through these decades later. Counseling was not available in past generations. This does not mean they would not have benefited from it had it been available. Much of the family dysfunction we experience today is rooted in past dysfunction. Generational dysfunction is the deepest and most difficult to overcome. We would have benefited had previous generations had access to professional counseling. 

In addition, to repeat my previous point, would we reject a new and more effective surgical procedure because our grandparents never had such a treatment? Would we reject a new dental procedure because grandpa just had his tooth pulled? That's how they did it back then, and he was just fine. Grandpa probably wished for a better way when that tooth was pulled. Past generations could have benefited from counseling had it been available. 

Finally, whether you are a person who would rail against the sins of the past or hold up previous decades as "the good old days," let's admit life is more complicated today. The clearly defined roles of the past are no more. Who does the vacuuming, who picks up the kids from soccer practice, and whose job is the primary income for the family all have to be negotiated and coordinated. Wars fought on the other side of the world are live-streamed on our phones. Political, religious, and scientific viewpoints which past generations never even considered are now hotly debated on social media. 

I could argue that all of these are positive changes, but they are not without their difficulties. These modern realities add a new level of complication to life and make counseling a modern necessity. 

The invention and wide production of the automobile made mechanics and gas station attendants a new necessity in the twentieth century. In the same manner, the complications of modern life make counselors a necessity in the twenty-first century. 

There may be other apprehensions that could be expressed, but hopefully, these are enough to make the case that these apprehensions can be overcome. They should not prohibit a person from seeking counselor, therapist, psychologist, or life coach. In such a complex and difficult world it is a must. Regardless of the apprehensions, I will continually argue everyone should be in counseling.