4 Ways to Avoid Toxic Relationships
You may have heard the saying; love conquers all. This holds a lot of truth if it is a healthy relationship. The sad reality is that some do not live in healthy relationships. Some relationships become dysfunctional, toxic, or abusive. Developing healthy relationships takes love but also knowledge. It is important to know how to avoid toxicity. Loving, healthy relationships are what everyone needs. That means avoiding toxic relationships. Here are some ways to do that.
Some relationships need to end
This is not easy to do. It is sad to end any significant relationship, even if it is toxic. Yet, making the tough decision to end a relationship may be necessary to have a healthy one. Toxic and abusive relationships tend to be isolating. They deplete energy levels and limit outside relationships. If healthy relationships are going to be important in our lives, it may be necessary to end toxic ones. This should not be taken lightly. Ending a relationship will be excruciating and leave permanent emotional scars. Yet, abuse is never acceptable. Toxicity is never healthy. It will not be easy. When you are ready to make this difficult change, remember these things:
Seek professional help. Counseling is of great importance. Don't underestimate how emotional it will be to end a relationship, even if it was a bad one. There will be emotional fallout. Getting help will help. Professional help may also include law enforcement, court decisions, and social services. Find all the help you need.
Filter other advice. The people who tend to object most to ending abusive relationships are those in abusive relationships. Choose who you listen to carefully.
Everyone has the right to live without abuse. Toxic relationships need not be a norm. It is not an act of love to stay in these relationships. It is enabling and a perversion of love. You deserve healthy relationships.
Learn to set healthy boundaries
Some relationships can be saved. If it is a toxic relationship now, it doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Sometimes people treat us the way we expect to be treated. We receive the treatment we allow. By learning to set healthy boundaries in our lives, we give people an opportunity to adjust. It may be possible to live in the relationship in new ways. Sometimes the toxic behavior in relationships comes down to bad habits. The toxic behavior on the part of family members or friends may not be realized. This is due to the behavior being part of the relationship for so long that it has become routine. Changing these behaviors, like all habits, may be difficult, but it can happen. It begins by communicating the boundaries. Let people know the treatment you expect. This need not be confrontational. It can be polite. The key is that it is consistent. Know the treatment you desire and make it clear. It may take time, but this is the best chance of bringing change.
Know the difference between mistakes and abuse
One of the classic lines from an abuser is something like this: "Well, I'm sorry you don't have a perfect family." Or "You can't expect me to be perfect." It's true. Perfection is not the goal. Abuse and toxicity are not simple mistakes. To expect non-abusive treatment is far from expecting perfection. Mistakes are expected, but abuse is not. A regrettable comment during an argument is a human error. Repeated personal attacks and putdowns are verbal abuse. Raising a voice when angry is an understandable reaction. Hitting is physical abuse. It is essential to know the difference between imperfections and toxic treatment. Learn where that line is. This is not always an easy task. Counseling may, again, be vital in the process. If you struggle to know the difference, get help. Love is accepting imperfections but never taking abuse. Part of the skill needed here is to have an understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness is crucial if a relationship is going to survive. People will make mistakes big and small. Yet, forgiveness is not a blank slate. There can also be expectations of change even if the previous action is forgiven. Forgiveness can be a process of learning lessons, altering actions, and developing understanding. Knowing your line means knowing when to dismiss a mistake and when deeper action is needed.
Evaluate your own family background
One of the most challenging things to overcome is our raising. One of the worst reasons to do anything is the excuse of "that's just how I was raised." It is easy to accept toxic treatment as the norm if we experience it in childhood. Repeating the actions of our family of origin is common. Yet it does not necessarily make for healthy relationships. We can love our family of origin and still evaluate that family. This may be crucial to creating healthy relationships as an adult. Current relationships can benefit from a deep look at our childhood patterns. This is a challenging task, but there is a habit that will help. Expose yourself to a wide variety of people. For some, the college years become this kind of experience. It's a time to be exposed to people of other cultures and ways of thinking. There are other ways to accomplish this as well. The problem is that too many people seek out others from the same background. We feel comfortable when we have a lot in common. People tend to marry someone like their parents, even if their parents are toxic people. It feels normal. Exposing ourselves to a variety of people and other ways of thinking expands the vision. It allows us to begin to see other ways of thinking. This experience may be uncomfortable, but a healthy one. It doesn't mean your family of origin has to be rejected. It means that new skills may be necessary to create healthy relationships. If we didn't learn it as children, we have to take responsibility and learn it as adults. It may not be easy, but worth the work to enjoy healthy relationships.